At the end I left my body

Photo by Rakicevic Nenad from Pexels

At the end

I left my body

I return occasionally

For warm teas delicious teas

I cannot entirely leave behind

For tender awakenings

They are few & far between

Like us


you are 



Here am I

Holding close 

To this corporeal form

The earth has made for me

In case I can feel again

In case I can feel again

Until then

This is magic

Not all of it 

That we wanted

Not all the magic 

We made

In stories 

& in songs

Magic enough though

Wanting crystal entities

We held dainty watch hands to task

Where you loved me

That place

Forever in gravity

Clear & sparkling


It ends me

The lost quality

That even this pink most radiant nebula cannot kindle my being 

Either to fly wholly & forever or to return to my falsely contested shape-shifting body


In biological logic

Are we so 

Different from flowers

So different from stars

My love I wish you were here to answer all of my questions about the make-up of the universe & what together we somehow meant within it

When we were us

You are the most beautiful love I have known

You are why my soul has left me here

& that is why I must dissipate into the multiverse

To preserve the remains of my broken aura

It lives now in the furthest reaches of the clouds

The ones from which we were made

To exist without the pain of leaving

Such clouds they take their time

Matter can be ancient

We are new & become old in a mere fraction of this existence of beautiful darkness

For what else brings the entirety of the universe to life

Like the benevolence of black soil 

my consciousness lives in the pink with the stars

Floating on vapourous clouds

For an eternity lost

The blackness of space holding me

While my broken heart holds this linear time thing to a quest 

A plea for an end to this unfettered disbelief 

A hold so deep inside my body my soul had to leave

That is anatma in its most potent form

For I am not soulless

I am suspended

Like stars

Like the vapours of nebula

I live & I die

At the same time


I leave

I return

I am nowhere

I am everywhere

Without you

With traces of your presence

Your absence


So that I may breathe again

Even though you are gone now



Finding these moments

Where are they?




I can’t quite make words about it



Was too much

& less was too much

More was too little

Then less was too much

© Niliema Karkhanis

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